But before we hand our children a lifetime of criticism in the name of love, there’s a distinction worth getting exactly right. Because the research has a lot to say here — and it doesn’t say what a fast scroll through Huang’s quote might suggest.
It’s Not Criticism vs. Praise
We tend to file feedback into two bins: praise (good) and criticism (harsh). Huang’s story scrambles that, and the research scrambles it further.
Because the line that actually matters isn’t between praise and criticism at all. It runs somewhere else entirely — between feedback aimed at who a child is, and feedback aimed at what a child did.
Researchers call these person feedback and process feedback.
Person feedback points at the child. “You’re so smart.” “You’re my little artist.” Or, on the critical side: “You’re careless.” “You’re just not a math person.”
Process feedback points at the work. “You found a good way to do that.” Or, critically: “That approach didn’t work — what else could you try?”
Both bins contain praise. Both contain criticism. And it turns out that’s the wrong axis to sort by. The one that predicts how a child copes with a setback is person versus process.
what jensen huang taught me about feedback by sarit kapurWhat the Research Actually Found
In 1999, Melissa Kamins and Carol Dweck ran a set of studies with children as young as five and six. They had children role-play tasks and then delivered feedback — some of it person-focused, some of it process-focused. Crucially, they tested this for both praise and criticism.
The finding was striking. Children showed significantly more “helpless” responses — lower persistence, more negative feelings, harsher self-judgment — after person criticism or praise than after process feedback.
Sit with what that means. A child told “you’re not good at this” and a child told “you’re so smart” were, in a sense, harmed by the same mechanism: both learned that feedback is a verdict on their worth. So when the next hard thing came, they had something fragile to protect — and many of them folded.
The children who got process feedback — including process criticism — responded differently. They stayed oriented toward the work. A setback wasn’t evidence they were bad or unworthy. It was information about a strategy that hadn’t worked yet.
This lines up with the better-known Mueller and Dweck study from 1998, where fifth-graders praised for being smart gave up sooner and performed worse after failure than those praised for effort. The through-line across both: aim feedback at the process, not the person.
It was never criticism vs. praise. It’s whether your words point at the child, or at the work. One builds someone who protects a label. The other builds someone who improves a strategy.
Which is exactly why Huang’s story holds up. His parents weren’t saying “you’re a failure.” They were saying, in his words, “here’s how this could be better.” That’s process criticism — the kind the research finds builds resilience rather than eroding it.
The Opposite of Thoughtful Feedback Isn’t Praise
Here’s the reframe that stayed with me.
We’re taught that the opposite of criticism is praise. But the opposite of thoughtful feedback isn’t praise. It’s not paying attention.
A reflexive “good job” ends the conversation. It’s what we say when we’ve stopped really looking. Specific feedback — “you kept adjusting until the tower held,” “that part didn’t work, what could you change?” — does the opposite. It tells a child something they can feel: I was paying attention.
That’s not pressure. That’s presence. And it’s why Huang experienced his parents’ constant feedback as love rather than rejection. Indifference would have been easier. They chose to stay engaged.
But the Caveat Matters
It would be easy to take all this and conclude: criticize more, praise less, toughen them up. That’s not what the research says, and it’s not what Huang says either.
He jokes that being raised by Asian parents means “you need therapy for life.” He says it to laughter — the laughter of recognition. And that caveat matters as much as the rest.
Because “never good enough” has a real cost. Love without warmth can become pressure. Feedback without safety becomes fear. A child can grow up brilliant on paper and hollow underneath, chasing a feeling of “enough” that never quite arrives.
The magic in Huang’s story was never the harshness. It was the investment. His parents cared enough to stay in the work with him. The lesson isn’t to withhold approval — it’s to stop mistaking empty praise for kindness, and to give real feedback instead. Warmly.
The Third Way
You don’t actually have to choose between “never good enough” and a stream of hollow praise. There’s a third way, and it’s the one worth practicing.
High expectations. Specific feedback. Obvious love.
Care enough to be honest about the work — and be warm enough that your child never doubts they are already enough. Aim your words at what they did, not who they are. Let a mistake be a strategy to revisit, not a verdict on their worth. And when you’re tempted by the easy “good job,” ask whether a truer sentence might tell them something better: I saw what you did, and I know you can go further.
That’s the version of “criticism is love” worth keeping. Not the harshness. The attention.
Feedback is a gift. The question isn’t whether we give it. It’s how.
This is Part 2 of our series on feedback in early childhood. Part 1, What to Say Instead of “Good Job,” covers the praise research. Part 3 looks at how a Montessori environment gives children feedback without a word.
Melissa Zamora is the Head of Schools at Edquisitive Montessori in San Antonio and the host of Conversations for the Beginning Years. Follow the series on Instagram @conversationsbeginningyears.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is criticism good or bad for children?
It depends entirely on what the criticism points at. Research by Kamins and Dweck found that person criticism — aimed at who the child is (“you’re careless”) — produced helpless, discouraged responses, even in five- and six-year-olds. But process criticism — aimed at the work or strategy (“that approach didn’t work, what else could you try?”) — helped children stay motivated and resilient. So thoughtful, specific criticism about the process can genuinely help; global criticism about the person tends to harm.
What is the difference between person and process feedback?
Person feedback targets the child’s traits or identity — “you’re so smart,” “you’re not artistic.” Process feedback targets what the child did — their effort, strategy, or choices — like “you found a good way to solve that” or “that didn’t work, try another way.” Research consistently finds process feedback builds persistence and resilience, while person feedback (even positive person feedback) can make children fragile in the face of failure.
How do I give my child constructive feedback without discouraging them?
Aim it at the work, not the child, and keep it specific. Instead of “you’re careless,” try “the tower fell — what could make the base stronger?” Describe what you noticed, name the strategy, and leave the next move with them. Pair honesty about the work with warmth about the person, so a child hears “I believe you can do this better,” not “you’re not good enough.” Specific feedback signals that you were paying attention — which children experience as care, not pressure.
Is it true that praise can be bad for kids?
Not all praise — but a certain kind. Praise aimed at the person (“you’re so smart”) can backfire, because it teaches children their worth is tied to performance, leaving them fragile when they eventually struggle. Praise aimed at the process (“you worked hard and found a good strategy”) has the opposite effect. The goal isn’t to stop praising; it’s to praise the effort and approach rather than fixed traits.
Continue the Series
Part 1: What to Say Instead of “Good Job”
Listen to Conversations for the Beginning Years
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